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When emotionally highly charged emotional relationships are considered from an energy point of view, it becomes apparent that many people operate in a way which does not take into account the energy balance which is required for any type of relationship to prosper.
This disbalance usually manifests itself at the very outset of the process of courtship, or of becoming mutually acquainted as potential romantic partners. It reflects, most often, in the different pace with which one and the other partner take steps to establish a relationship, where the lack of synchronization often leads to serious pain and emotional frustration in the partner whose pace of raising interest is faster. This, then, leads to the entire industry of coaching and psychotherapeutic advice as to how to address the disbalance and ‘arouse interest’ in the other person. While the industry does identify important phenomena and potential behavior changes that might yield positive results, at least in the short term, little attention is paid to the principled reasons for the discord.
One of the problems with approaching romantic partners at the very outset is that the distribution of energy in that relationship is highly uneven. There are cultural expectations, typically of men, to make their move first, to approach the woman, and this culture generates a heightened energy in men at the initial stages of the relationship, with a correspondingly lowered, somewhat reactive and expectant, energy in women, at least at the time of first contact and subsequent courtship.
The heightened energy in men then tends to overflow and disturb the energy status of the woman, who becomes threatened by the pace of the events, or simply decides to ‘reassert’ her own energy status by putting a break on the fast paced process of courtship. This is interpreted by the other side as a lowered interest and the men then respond either by reducing their own interest, or by entering into a complex ‘game of power’ where they try to stake the chips of influence within the potential relationship in their favor. The actual situation is in fact much simpler: immediately after the first contact and expression of interest, if the other person is seen as responding favorably, attention should be placed on establishing an energy balance by syncing the pace of both potential partners in moving closer to one another.
This is a more difficult task than might seem at first sight because it cuts into lifestyle issues.
The overall energy balance of our lifestyle gets tilted towards a new person once we develop a potential romantic interest in her or him. This, then, depending on the pacing of the relationship, throws to some extent the rest of the energy flow in our life, and makes it difficult to slow the pace and work towards a more even energy distribution between the new relationship and the rest of our life. In fact, it is the rest of our life that is the best inoculation against conflicts which might arise from continuing the pacing of the new relationship when the other person is not up to the same speed.
The courtship process thus highlights the points that need attention in our general lifestyle, especially for men, because after the culturally induced first burst of energy through approaching the potential mate first, the lull that usually occurs in the relationship needs to be offset by more intense activities in the rest of our lives. Again, this rebalancing act is contrary to the cultural conditioning, which suggests that, when one partner withdraws or pulls back, the other partner, again typically the man, should ‘prove himself’ by being persistent and reasserting his affection and determination. This cultural norm is contrary to the principle of energy balance, and when a relationship is seen as an energy system, such actions throw the entire energy balance and threaten the relationship.
The onset of quantum physics-based psychotherapy has made it theoretically and methodologically more easily possible to understand and account for the seemingly paradoxical developments in emotionally highly charged relationships. The richer the lifestyle we have outside potential romance and mating, the easier it will be to follow the principles of quantum physics in relationships. Likewise, the more familiar the clients in psychotherapy become with quantum-informed therapy, the more resilient they will be to fundamentally dysfunctional social norms which lead to a structural redistribution of power between the sexes by placing all of the energy requirements on one sex, to the extent of disturbing the very quantum logic of all our relationships.
It is only from the perspective of discriminating and dysfunctional social norms that the maxim ‘doing less is doing more’ seems paradoxical: this experiential conclusion is otherwise an easily acceptable corollary of the general principle of energy balance in all our relationships. We respond to heightened energy, not only in others, but in ourselves, as well. Thus controlling the energy and being able to distribute it across our lifestyle priorities is a logical prerequisite of successful energy management in any new relationship.
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